New AP Marxism Class promises that “Comrade Trump will lead the Revolution” 

Rajath Prabhakar, Director of Design

“There is a spectre haunting Europe,” Mr. Walthunmedomen intones. “The spectre… of communism.” This is part of a new course introduced at Roswell High School, intended to cover the basics of Marxism. Students of any grade will be afforded the opportunity to take it as an alternative to AP Macro- and Microeconomics that Roswell already offers. Unit One covers the basics of dialectical materialism, as well as the difference between materialism and idealism. It also introduces students to the Hegelian dialectic: thesis-antithesis-synthesis model. Units 2, 3, and 4 cover the theories of Marx, Engels, and Lenin respectively, as well as the history of workers’ movements worldwide. This is the content for first semester. 

State and Revolution is one of the foundational texts of Marxism.
(Credit: Kessinger Publishing)

For the first semester exam, students are expected to apply any three theories or concepts to current events anywhere in the world. Walthunmedomen says he is excited to see how his students apply what they have learned to the real world. “I think the study of Marxism is essential in understanding the relationships between the workers and the ruling class, not just in the workplace but in the media, in government, and especially in academia,” he says 

Throughout the course of second semester, Walthunmedomen plans to have his students delve into works like State and Revolution, Imperialism: the Highest Stage of Capitalism, and Michael Parenti’s Inventing Reality. “I see second semester as the more interesting of the two semesters,” Walthunmedomen said. “Second semester is when we really apply the theory-heavy first-semester concepts, so it’s fun for both me and the students, to see the light-bulb go off in their heads, so to speak. 

Students are also treated to the legend of Comrade Trump, learning about his efforts to lead a workers’ revolution in the 1990s and early 2010s.  

The final exam is a typical multiple choice exam. If students are unhappy with their final grade, students will be given the option to memorize and recite this speech by Comrade Trump after the AP exam:  

“Folks, the bourgeoisie, they’re no good, more and more people are saying it. All these workers- the biggest, we have the biggest workers- very handsome workers come up to me and say, ‘Comrade Trump, there is a spectre haunting Europe’, and you know what, they’re right. These bourgeoisie are very nasty people, very, very rude, and very unfair to the workers. They are stealing our surplus value and no one is doing anything about it. The proletariat comes up to me every day and says ‘Comrade Trump, will you lead the revolution?’ And I gotta turn to them and say ‘look, the instruments of capitalism will be used to bring about its destruction, believe me.’ The means of production, Obama never wanted to seize them. Well guess what? I’m seizing them.  

Landlords? They’re done for folks. Everyone told me— they said, Comrade Trump, you won’t be the vanguard of the revolution and they would laugh, the media laughed, the Democrats laughed, guess who’s laughing now? 

And then you have these capitalists, those are real beauties! This is their new hoax- they take a piece of machine, a big, beautiful, shiny new means of production, and they buy it and y’know, they own it, it’s a bigbeautiful, shiny new machine, all the bells and whistles, bing bing bing, and then they have the workers- who are totally not being treated fairly in this country, folks, BELIEVE ME, totally exploited, and they have these workers-and they pay them a certain amount, could beee… $20 per hour, could be TEN, could be FIVE, could be TWELVE, they pay them a certain amount, okay, and with their labor they build the product. 

And the owner of the machine, of the capital, “Capitalist,” they turn around and sell the product at a yuge markup, they call it “profit.” OK, so they call it profit! They don’t sell it at the cost it took to make it, okay, so what do they do with this extra, you know what I call it? I call it surplus value. I call it surplus value, and do they share the surplus value with the people whose labor PROVIDED the value it took to make that product? I don’t think so, folks. 

They stick in a bank and then they say ‘ohhhh I can’t afford to pay you more!’ Bad- BAD people. It’s totally phony, folks. Raw deal, our proletariat are getting a raw deal. But not for long! We’re gonna– and by the way it never occurs the workers to pool their resources and buy the big beautiful machine in order to share the profit that they created in the first place with their labor! 

And you know why? Because the capitalists pay the workers such a low wage they can’t afford to then invest and pool their money and share in ownership… of the means of production! Can’t do it! This is the biggest scam on the planet, folks! Boy, I’ve heard some real beauties but that one, WOW, that’s a doozy. That’s a real beauty. But we’re gonna fix it, folks, we’re gonna fix it, okay? and you know what the laborers are going to do? They’re gonna WIN. 

Folks, what we did in 1917–the Revolution I call it, with a capital R–it’s never been done before. So many big beautiful red flags, you couldn’t even–now that, folks, that’s a flag we stand up for. We don’t kneel for our terrific red flag–and you couldn’t even see the Winter Palace, you know. You know the Mensheviks, you take a look at what they said, and they were a, uh, a failed party, and Renegade Kautsky, very nasty to me but that’s okay, they said we couldn’t do it! They said, “Oh, Vlad, the material conditions are bad, we have to have a bourgeois republic to develop the forces of production.” You know what that means, right? Semi-feudal economy! Okay, you get Semi-Feudal, and I said, I told them we can’t have Semi-Feudal. Well, look at where we are now, Julius. We are going to develop the forces of production so fast it’ll make your head spin. We are going to do in a generation what it took them many, many years to do. BELIEVE ME.”